R.I.P. JOHN HUGHES

Those born before Britney Spears, Reality T.V., and Darth Maul might not know how important John Hughes is. And as much as it's in my nature to make fun of your ignorance with a condescending snort and feel sorry for you at the same time, I won't.

We were a lucky generation. We were part of a zeitgeist that John Hughes created. From the poignant (Sixteen Candles) to the relevant (The Breakfast Club) to the SO-RELEVANT-IT'S-LIKE-GETTING-EFFED-IN-THE-A (Ferris Bueller's Day-off), our generation was formed by John Hughes.

So you can imagine how heavily the loss of Mr. Hughes weighs on us.

In my mind's eye, we're gathered at the steps of some random University, misfits and prom queens and jocks and con men alike, quietly humming Simple Mind's "Don't You" waving goodbye to a man that spoke for a generation.



"Someday these kids are gonna be running the country. This is the thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night."

--The Breakfast Club

I WANT THESE AS BAD AS I WANT A DEATH STAR BASKETBALL

Sometimes, I wonder: Why couldn't I have been born in the Triassic era so I could slide down Brontosaurus necks on my way to work? Or during the dark ages, where I could put on a wizard's hat and make brooms clean my castle or rape and loot nearby villages?

But then I see these shoes and I know that I was born in just the right century.

Fuck future flying cars. The only way I'll ever want to get from point A to point B is if I'm wearing a podiatric analogue of Storm Shadow on my feet.

Try getting them HERE. Although with awesomeness like this, good luck getting half a shoelace.

FEAR LEADS TO ANGER, ANGER LEADS TO HATE, HATE LEADS TO PROP 8

Finally. A man-on-stormtrooper kiss.



I want this shirt. Buy it for me here and I'll let you touch my lightsaber.

BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE TEQUILA WORM

I'm not a fan of firewater, on account of my inability to hold my liquor. But serve me a shot in this nifty Spider-man/Venom shot glass and I'll be crawling the walls telling everyone you're my best friend and that we go a long way back.



Speaking of Spider-man, the 600th issue is one of those rare single issues that took me an entire Simpsons episode and a half to get through. It's a pretty meaty book, in a Jessica Simpson at the country fair sort of way.

As expected, it's a jam issue by Spider-man's braintrust: Slott, Waid, Guggenheim, Kelly, and even ol' man Lee for that dose of formaldehyde.

Slott, who I assume is the leader of the writing pool (which makes him the fat, unattractive equivalent of Liz Lemon) penned the main story: THE WEDDING OF AUNT MAY AND J.JONAH SENIOR. Yes, that means pages and pages of Peter Parker's biddy old aunt fussing like Monica from Friends. Surprisingly entertaining, it's but a set-up for a reveal/recon/relaunch of THE NEW DOCTOR OCTOPUS. It's still the same Otto Octavius but now with double the appendages and packed with more concussions and cancer cells!



Seriously, he's dying from getting hit on the head too much. But now he's got new powers (command over ALL OF TECHNOLOGY. Like Steve Jobs, only without the pretentious black cardigan), a new look (part Psycho Mantis, part Nicole Richie), and a new purpose (a utopian vision for the world, kinda like Bono's, but with a less sinister motive).

What surprised me was how quick the story flows yet how well-paced it actually read.


You get a full Fantastic Four sequence, an exploration of the Johnny Storm/Peter Parker bromance,



and the best New Avengers dialogue ever.

Oh and there's the actual wedding, with Aunt May's awesome version of the "With Great Power" talk.


Oh, and that Watson slut shows up in the end. Pfft. I swear, Mary Jane is the Kendra Wilkins of the Marvel U.

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF TAB OF E

I've always hated the Harry Potter movies. HATED THEM. From Rupert Grint's "Many Faces of Constipation" to the CGI that looks like a cross between the graphics from Lawnmower Man and
Duck Hunt from the NES, I've sat through the past 5 movies wincing in my seat.

Which is why the 6th film surprised the shit out of me. Yes, Emma Watson still can't act her way out of a paper bag. Yes, Rupert Grint still looks like he's taken a big, steaming dump in his pants and just walks through Hogwarts with chocolate fondue sloshing in his Marks and Spencers. But the treatment, grading, and production design make it a pretty, pretty movie.

I'd like to get into the nitty-gritty of it all, but I'm due for a drink with friends and I don't want to have to explain that I'm late because I was blogging about Hermione's boobs. But I have to mention that the wheat field scene with Harry and Ginger Spice chasing after the Death Eaters was such a tense, creepy, and nail-biting sequence that I think I Wingardium Leviosa-ed in my boxers.

(Oh, by the way. Was it just me or was the movie a metaphor for drugs? Cocaine, ecstasy, and crystal meth, are well-represented. Hell, even Dumbledore takes out his glowstick at the cave after a valium cocktail. Not that I'm complaining. )

RAINBOW + BLACK = RUPAUL?

I'm sorry. Even if you have a Hitler analogue, a monster with turd for a face, Pumbaa on steroids, and that chick from "Single White Female" in the background, rainbows just aren't scary.


DC's October solicitation of Blackest Night.

HOLY SHIRT!

I rue the day when wearing t-shirts will be declared as one of the 7 ways of spotting a serial killer. especially the ones with the odd pop-culture cross-pollination happening on the front.

Seriously, how can you go wrong with a Livestrong/E.T. hybrid?

BLOWING UP DEATH STAR ISN'T THE ONLY WAY TO GET STREET CRED

Wearing this X-Wing Pilot hoodie is.





If you're a loaded nerd with $150 to burn, then buy one for me here

A GOOD X-MEN RUN? UNCANNY!

The feedback on Matt Fraction's run on Uncanny X-men is a lot like Margot Kidder: schizophrenic and hugely polarized. As for me, I'm on the "I Fucking Love It" side of the equation.

I'm hard-pressed to go on a tirade about enduring the franchise that had Claremont pee circles around the X-men, but it's taxing and I can only use so many swear words. But the minute i read Fraction's first issue in the run, it was like he took a knife to the turkey and gave me the juiciest part of the bird; the slice I've been waiting for all my life.

Case in point: Uncanny X-men 512. Bearing in mind that it's practically a filler issue, what with the looming Dark Avengers/X-men Crossover, it's one of the best issues I've read in a long time.

Proof, you say? How about I give you three:

1.An H.G. Wells Sentinel



2. Or a deconstructed laser cannon from a turn-of-the-century car.



3. Dr. Nemesis going back in time to deliver his infant self.



If you don't find that awesome, then you're doo-doo head who hates fun.

WHO WANTS TO CARRY MY CHILD? I'LL PAY YOU FIVE BUCKS!

This is the kind of dad I'm going to be, I just know it.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

THE PERFECT GYM BAG FOR THE UNDERMUSCLED, OVERACHIEVING NERD

You know that composition notebook you had in the 5th Grade with the incriminating notes scribbled on the margins about Mrs. Salvador's breasts and the Stormtrooper vs. Monkey comic strip in the back cover?

Well now you can carry it around proudly as a Notebook Duffel bag.

Finally, something that goes with that Trapper Keeper Track Suit.

HOLY CRAP COMIC BOOK MOMENT OF THE WEEK

Remember a few posts back where I had nothing on the Black Hand? Well now I'm practically the Stephen Hawking of the Black Hand, thanks to this week's Green Lantern #43.

It tells his origin story, and by 'origin story' I mean 'road to Fuckupsville'. He (hearts) death so much, every time he enters his dad's mortuary he's like a kid in a cadaver store.

So yeah, I thought, "okay so THAT'S what makes him a creepy villain. He's goth-to-the-extreme, got it," they totally pull the rug from under us and give him the final push into super-villainy.

Awesome. Disgusting, but awesome.








That should totally be in Supervillainy 101: "How to Go from That Guy from Six Feet Under to Nicole Richie in 4 pages"

BLACK TIE FIGHTER AFFAIR

Here's something you can wear to an imperial event, like, say, the opening of the new Death Star. Until some punk kid blows it up again.

BLACK IS THE NEW GREEN: BLACKEST NIGHT F.A.Q.

Summer heralds those Michael Bay flicks with Ben Affleck-y heroes entering hangars in slow motion, Jamba Juice slaughtering more mangoes and apples than usual, reruns on TV that survived the May sweeps massacre, and the This-time-we-swear-it's-the-Final-Crisis-Invasion comic book event.

DC Comics is up to bat with their much ballyhooed "BLACKEST NIGHT" event. So here's a bit of a primer for those in the dark (pun intended, fuck you very much).

What is Blackest Night?
Aside from being the second half of Green Lantern’s creed “In Brightest Day, in Blackest Night”, it’s also the sound that DC’s cash register will be making during the summer crossover event.
Long and short of it is the most of DC’s Universe dead come back with power rings, forcing the Green Lanterns to cancel their annual summer trip to Martha’s Vineyard. Oh and the other colored rings from the emotional spectrum get into fight as well, thus the ‘War of Light’.

Why is it called ‘The War of Light’?
Because calling it ‘The War of R.O.Y.G.B.I.V.” is stupid.

Who are the other corps and what’s their deal?
Red Lanterns= Rage, Orange Lanterns=Greed, Yellow Lanterns=Fear, Green Lanterns =Willpower, Blue Lanterns=Hope, Indigo Lanterns=Compassion, Pink Lanterns=Love, Black Lanterns=Death



Love Lanterns?
Yes. Love Lanterns.

So they’ve got the power of Love? Shouldn’t it be over before it’s even begun?
If the logic of the universe was based on 80s power ballads, then yes.

Technically black isn’t a color.
Technically mood rings would be the gayest weapons in the universe. What’s your point?

What is Blackest Night about?
Based on solicitations, it’s when the Blackest Night prophecy comes to fruition. Green Lantern villain Black Hand resurrects the dead and gets them to stir things up, and the rainbow brigade gets caught in the middle. Hilarity ensues.

Think “Dawn of the Dead” meets “Starfox”.

Wait, you said “Blackest Night prophecy”. What does it prophesy?
Dunno. They just call it that. Nobody exactly says what about. Maybe it's a sleepover with the Wu Tang Clan.

Who’s the main villain?
Black Hand. He’s a necrophiliac with a bum hand. And a flashlight. But he's got the DCU's biggest baddie, the Anti-Monitor to back him up. It's a Smithers/Mr. Burns dynamic.

So this runs through the Green Lantern books?
Originally, this was supposed to be contained in the Green lantern franchise. But DC has to pay for those Grant Morrison homunculi experiments, so they’ve involved practically everything with a DC logo on it, including SCOOBY-DOO.

How many books are involved?
How many fingers and toes do you have? Now multiply that number by a trillion.

Is there a checklist?
Probably, but there aren't enough trees in the Amazon to make paper for it. So I suggest you just stick to the Green Lantern titles if you don’t want to mortgage your home.

Should I have any prior knowledge of Green Lantern to enjoy this?
It’s not like LOST, where even if you're psychic you still wouldn’t know what the fuck is going on.

I think it's fair game for everyone. It’s a pretty easy jumping-on point. But if you like to play “Name that Zombie”, then it’d definitely help.

I think it's something to look forward t, and I'm prediciting it'll make more sense than last year's FINAL CRISIS where I was left holding issue 8 wih what felt like a fork in my left ear. Geoff Johns delivered in the Sinestro War a few years back, and his Green Lantern is one of those books that I consistently pick up. So evil corporate marketing engine aside, I think this is going to be awesome.

ALL I NEED IS A RED TURTLE SHELL AND I'M SET

Not since Sonic the Hedgehog's red tap-dancing/sneaker hybrid shoes have there been an awesome pair of video game goodness that look good on your feet. Till now.

Check out the Nike Air Force 2 High Wii edition.
(Borderline-effeminate, Wii Fitness-induced arm-flailing action not included.)


This is the last things those fucking Goombas will see before they're crushed to a bloody pulp.


The POWER button icon is GENIUS.

Oh there's also a PS3-inspired edition, but it looks like you stepped in an oil spill.

KANYE DON'T READ GOOD

Sexually, mentally, and fashionably ambiguous celebrity Kanye West said “I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph.”

Pains me as it is to say this, there are people who look up to this fuckhead. And he just told them that reading isn't cool (and that books have arms for signing autographs or baking pies or rowing boats. But that's not my point).

I don't expect somebody who wears glasses that look like air conditioning vents to promote Leo Tolstoy, but at least be responsible enough to shut up about something you're too stupid to wrap your head around, like say, LITERACY.

Asshole.

EVERYBODY LOVES BULLSEYE II

Bullseye is quickly becoming Curly of the Marvel Universe. If he's not being stabbed, impaled, or choked, he gets punk'd by Spider-man using the oldest playground sucker-joke yet.









You sir, are officially Marty Fontanilla, this kid I went to in 1st Grade and everyone's favorite punching bag. He was a douchebag even as a kid which is why we either made fun of his bowl-cut hair or put mud in his backpack and tell everyone it was poop.

Last I checked, he was a telemarketer. A super-villain, just like Bullseye.

EVERYBODY LOVES BULLSEYE

With the Dark Reign status quo in effect throughout the Marvel U, Bullseye has been riding shotgun in the Avengers bandwagon. In fact, he's posing as longtime Avenger and Marvel U man-whore Hawkeye now.

But like my grandmother always said, even if you bleach your asshole, it's still an asshole.

Maybe ol' Lester deserves to be slapped aroud, but 2 impalings in a month? That's like Clay Aiken on payday!

Deadpool #11

Dark Reign Elektra # 4

I should mention: Deadpool in a meat suit? Legendary.



(BTW, Bullseye beating the meat deserves another 'Clay Aiken' joke)

XOXO, EMPEROR VULCAN

In the past couple of years, Marvel has been pretty awesome with all things cosmic . In three fell swoops, they've managed to soup up everyone who's seen Uranus (and that's not counting your proctologist).

And if they've redefined Rocket Raccoon to make Chewbacca look like Teddy Ruxpin, you know Marvel's got its shit together.

And yet in the scale of universal war and planetary death farts, big bad Emperor Vulcan manages to go from evil dictator...


...to Blair Waldorf in two panels.

IF YOU DON'T FIND THIS ADORABLE, CONGRATULATIONS YOU'RE A GODDAM DROID

AN OPEN LETTER FROM OPTIMUS PRIME TO MICHAEL BAY

Dear Mr. Bay,

After viewing the film TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN, I just need to get a few things off my oddly-sexy-for-a-20-foot-robot chest and clarify some misgivings you seem to have projected in the movie:

1. We robots have nothing against UNESCO heritage sights. So what's up with showing us thrashing the pyramids like WWE wrestlers in a cage match? What next, nun-stomping?

2. We would never leave the fate of the world in the hands of two of TMZ's finest whose script in the movie can be narrowed down to 2 lines of dialogue:

SHIA: Nonononononononononono!
MEGAN: SAM! SAAAAAM!
SHIA: Nonononononononononono!
MEGAN: SAAAAAM!

3. Really? Did we really want to share screen time with John Turturro's sandpaper ass? You might as well have shown Bumblebee standing right next to that Mexican guy's hairy balls. Speaking of which...

4. ...congratulations. You've officially created a character who could out-asshole Jar Jar Binks, Scrappy Doo, and Vinnie from Doogie Howser.

5. The point of our entire existence as "Transformers" is to turn into cars and planes and in some exceptions, vacuum cleaners. Did I miss the memo telling me I could turn into a hot chick? I mean, if we could, don't you think I would've transformed into Lindsay Lohan by now instead of a MACK truck who can't even roll into Hooters without horribly mangling the lady at the front door?

6. Bumblebee is mute, not retarded. You made him look like Corky from "Life Goes On" with a transistor radio.

7. Why did the Witwicky parents who are probably brother and sister and have the emotional maturity of a baby seal have more screen time than Ratchet, a robot that transforms into an ambulance? And come on Mr. Bay, nobody gets high like THAT.

8. Re: Skids and Mudflap. The last time I head anyone talk like them was in Detroit during the 1970s. I didn't know whether they were going to steal Bumblebee's wallet or sell him some crack.

9. That was probably the most boring combat scene I have EVER been in. It's ironic: in spite of giant robots rolling around and humping pyramids, tanks blowing Megatron's balls off, and Megan Fox's heaving breasts rubbing in Shia's face, I WAS STILL FUCKING BORED.

10. I do NOT pose like an Abercrombie and Fitch model. That last scene on the aircraft
carrier looked like I just came from a shirtless tumble in the dewy grass with a couple of well-chiseled boys from the regatta team.



I hope in the third installment of the franchise that's obviously in the offing, you'll either violently kill off Mr. and Mrs. Witwicky or show me in a four-way with those motorcycle chicks.

Yours Truly,
Optimus Prime

TRADE AGAINST THE MACHINE: From the Holocaust to James Lipton

Trade Paperback quickies for shaking your fists at or nodding in agreement.


X-men: MAGNETO TESTAMENT hardcover-- Quite possibly the best piece of literature about the Holocaust I've ever read. That's right, you read that correctly. "X-men", "Holocaust", and "literature" all in the same line. There's nothing superheroic or supervillainous or X-meny about the story. Just really really accurate portrayals of the people and the Auschwitz experience. Read it and weep, literally.

Thunderbolts: Secret Invasion-- If I knew I was going to blow money on something this stupid, I should have paid a hooker to talk to me about Proust.

Spider-man Loves Mary Jane digest volume 2-- Remember our teenagers years where we went through a gauntlet of pathos that ranged from post-prom pre-coital jitters and heartache over choosing friendship over the inevitable acceptance of our peers? Yeah, me neither. Good thing I get to live vicariously through Peter, Mary Jane, and the rest of the ancillary Spider-man cast.

Final Crisis-- It's kinda like pink wine: people say it's an acquired taste, so you just nod in agreement and pose like James Lipton so you don't look like the complete retard you are for not getting what the fuck Grant Morrison was talking about. "Graveyard Universe, you say? Why yes, I would like another glass of pink wine."

Green Lantern Corps: Sins of the Star Sapphire-- It's easy to dislike the concept of the Green Lanterns and its Rainbow Pride brethren (Yellow Lanterns = fear, Pink Lanterns = Love, Mauve Lanterns = empathy for Extreme Makeover Home Edition benefactors). But because the war they're all embroiled in has caused so much hate and bile it's like 2 minutes with Janice Dickenson, it really feels like A WAR. Especially in this story arc, considering we're talking about the Lanterns of... wait for it... Love. Yes. Lanterns whose idea of love by the way is wearing low-cut tops and stalking broken-hearted cosmic beings. Still, Mongul using his yellow lantern rings to hold together his dismembered arm is so ballpark awesome it makes up for all the Care Bear connivance.

32 Stories: The Complete Optic Nerve Mini-comic Series-- Adrian Tomine is one of the 1990's indy comics scene's progidies. In an era of Holofoil Covers, X-men #1 cover variants, and Death of Superman, he was able to carve a niche in the volatile market of crap and Rob Liefield shoulder pads. This collection is the pudding's proof that yes, he deserved the accolades. As much as I want to delve into the quality of the art (awesome) and stories (meh), mad props go to the format. Drawn and Quarterly REPRODUCED the ashcan format that the fledging creator used and collected them in a box set that opens like a bodouir but still fits neatly on the shelf.

That's it. Now I'm off to the bar to watch my friends get drunk while I scarf down some fish and chips.