HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF TAB OF E

I've always hated the Harry Potter movies. HATED THEM. From Rupert Grint's "Many Faces of Constipation" to the CGI that looks like a cross between the graphics from Lawnmower Man and
Duck Hunt from the NES, I've sat through the past 5 movies wincing in my seat.

Which is why the 6th film surprised the shit out of me. Yes, Emma Watson still can't act her way out of a paper bag. Yes, Rupert Grint still looks like he's taken a big, steaming dump in his pants and just walks through Hogwarts with chocolate fondue sloshing in his Marks and Spencers. But the treatment, grading, and production design make it a pretty, pretty movie.

I'd like to get into the nitty-gritty of it all, but I'm due for a drink with friends and I don't want to have to explain that I'm late because I was blogging about Hermione's boobs. But I have to mention that the wheat field scene with Harry and Ginger Spice chasing after the Death Eaters was such a tense, creepy, and nail-biting sequence that I think I Wingardium Leviosa-ed in my boxers.

(Oh, by the way. Was it just me or was the movie a metaphor for drugs? Cocaine, ecstasy, and crystal meth, are well-represented. Hell, even Dumbledore takes out his glowstick at the cave after a valium cocktail. Not that I'm complaining. )

AN OPEN LETTER FROM OPTIMUS PRIME TO MICHAEL BAY

Dear Mr. Bay,

After viewing the film TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN, I just need to get a few things off my oddly-sexy-for-a-20-foot-robot chest and clarify some misgivings you seem to have projected in the movie:

1. We robots have nothing against UNESCO heritage sights. So what's up with showing us thrashing the pyramids like WWE wrestlers in a cage match? What next, nun-stomping?

2. We would never leave the fate of the world in the hands of two of TMZ's finest whose script in the movie can be narrowed down to 2 lines of dialogue:

SHIA: Nonononononononononono!
MEGAN: SAM! SAAAAAM!
SHIA: Nonononononononononono!
MEGAN: SAAAAAM!

3. Really? Did we really want to share screen time with John Turturro's sandpaper ass? You might as well have shown Bumblebee standing right next to that Mexican guy's hairy balls. Speaking of which...

4. ...congratulations. You've officially created a character who could out-asshole Jar Jar Binks, Scrappy Doo, and Vinnie from Doogie Howser.

5. The point of our entire existence as "Transformers" is to turn into cars and planes and in some exceptions, vacuum cleaners. Did I miss the memo telling me I could turn into a hot chick? I mean, if we could, don't you think I would've transformed into Lindsay Lohan by now instead of a MACK truck who can't even roll into Hooters without horribly mangling the lady at the front door?

6. Bumblebee is mute, not retarded. You made him look like Corky from "Life Goes On" with a transistor radio.

7. Why did the Witwicky parents who are probably brother and sister and have the emotional maturity of a baby seal have more screen time than Ratchet, a robot that transforms into an ambulance? And come on Mr. Bay, nobody gets high like THAT.

8. Re: Skids and Mudflap. The last time I head anyone talk like them was in Detroit during the 1970s. I didn't know whether they were going to steal Bumblebee's wallet or sell him some crack.

9. That was probably the most boring combat scene I have EVER been in. It's ironic: in spite of giant robots rolling around and humping pyramids, tanks blowing Megatron's balls off, and Megan Fox's heaving breasts rubbing in Shia's face, I WAS STILL FUCKING BORED.

10. I do NOT pose like an Abercrombie and Fitch model. That last scene on the aircraft
carrier looked like I just came from a shirtless tumble in the dewy grass with a couple of well-chiseled boys from the regatta team.



I hope in the third installment of the franchise that's obviously in the offing, you'll either violently kill off Mr. and Mrs. Witwicky or show me in a four-way with those motorcycle chicks.

Yours Truly,
Optimus Prime