XOXO, EMPEROR VULCAN

In the past couple of years, Marvel has been pretty awesome with all things cosmic . In three fell swoops, they've managed to soup up everyone who's seen Uranus (and that's not counting your proctologist).

And if they've redefined Rocket Raccoon to make Chewbacca look like Teddy Ruxpin, you know Marvel's got its shit together.

And yet in the scale of universal war and planetary death farts, big bad Emperor Vulcan manages to go from evil dictator...


...to Blair Waldorf in two panels.

IF YOU DON'T FIND THIS ADORABLE, CONGRATULATIONS YOU'RE A GODDAM DROID

AN OPEN LETTER FROM OPTIMUS PRIME TO MICHAEL BAY

Dear Mr. Bay,

After viewing the film TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN, I just need to get a few things off my oddly-sexy-for-a-20-foot-robot chest and clarify some misgivings you seem to have projected in the movie:

1. We robots have nothing against UNESCO heritage sights. So what's up with showing us thrashing the pyramids like WWE wrestlers in a cage match? What next, nun-stomping?

2. We would never leave the fate of the world in the hands of two of TMZ's finest whose script in the movie can be narrowed down to 2 lines of dialogue:

SHIA: Nonononononononononono!
MEGAN: SAM! SAAAAAM!
SHIA: Nonononononononononono!
MEGAN: SAAAAAM!

3. Really? Did we really want to share screen time with John Turturro's sandpaper ass? You might as well have shown Bumblebee standing right next to that Mexican guy's hairy balls. Speaking of which...

4. ...congratulations. You've officially created a character who could out-asshole Jar Jar Binks, Scrappy Doo, and Vinnie from Doogie Howser.

5. The point of our entire existence as "Transformers" is to turn into cars and planes and in some exceptions, vacuum cleaners. Did I miss the memo telling me I could turn into a hot chick? I mean, if we could, don't you think I would've transformed into Lindsay Lohan by now instead of a MACK truck who can't even roll into Hooters without horribly mangling the lady at the front door?

6. Bumblebee is mute, not retarded. You made him look like Corky from "Life Goes On" with a transistor radio.

7. Why did the Witwicky parents who are probably brother and sister and have the emotional maturity of a baby seal have more screen time than Ratchet, a robot that transforms into an ambulance? And come on Mr. Bay, nobody gets high like THAT.

8. Re: Skids and Mudflap. The last time I head anyone talk like them was in Detroit during the 1970s. I didn't know whether they were going to steal Bumblebee's wallet or sell him some crack.

9. That was probably the most boring combat scene I have EVER been in. It's ironic: in spite of giant robots rolling around and humping pyramids, tanks blowing Megatron's balls off, and Megan Fox's heaving breasts rubbing in Shia's face, I WAS STILL FUCKING BORED.

10. I do NOT pose like an Abercrombie and Fitch model. That last scene on the aircraft
carrier looked like I just came from a shirtless tumble in the dewy grass with a couple of well-chiseled boys from the regatta team.



I hope in the third installment of the franchise that's obviously in the offing, you'll either violently kill off Mr. and Mrs. Witwicky or show me in a four-way with those motorcycle chicks.

Yours Truly,
Optimus Prime

TRADE AGAINST THE MACHINE: From the Holocaust to James Lipton

Trade Paperback quickies for shaking your fists at or nodding in agreement.


X-men: MAGNETO TESTAMENT hardcover-- Quite possibly the best piece of literature about the Holocaust I've ever read. That's right, you read that correctly. "X-men", "Holocaust", and "literature" all in the same line. There's nothing superheroic or supervillainous or X-meny about the story. Just really really accurate portrayals of the people and the Auschwitz experience. Read it and weep, literally.

Thunderbolts: Secret Invasion-- If I knew I was going to blow money on something this stupid, I should have paid a hooker to talk to me about Proust.

Spider-man Loves Mary Jane digest volume 2-- Remember our teenagers years where we went through a gauntlet of pathos that ranged from post-prom pre-coital jitters and heartache over choosing friendship over the inevitable acceptance of our peers? Yeah, me neither. Good thing I get to live vicariously through Peter, Mary Jane, and the rest of the ancillary Spider-man cast.

Final Crisis-- It's kinda like pink wine: people say it's an acquired taste, so you just nod in agreement and pose like James Lipton so you don't look like the complete retard you are for not getting what the fuck Grant Morrison was talking about. "Graveyard Universe, you say? Why yes, I would like another glass of pink wine."

Green Lantern Corps: Sins of the Star Sapphire-- It's easy to dislike the concept of the Green Lanterns and its Rainbow Pride brethren (Yellow Lanterns = fear, Pink Lanterns = Love, Mauve Lanterns = empathy for Extreme Makeover Home Edition benefactors). But because the war they're all embroiled in has caused so much hate and bile it's like 2 minutes with Janice Dickenson, it really feels like A WAR. Especially in this story arc, considering we're talking about the Lanterns of... wait for it... Love. Yes. Lanterns whose idea of love by the way is wearing low-cut tops and stalking broken-hearted cosmic beings. Still, Mongul using his yellow lantern rings to hold together his dismembered arm is so ballpark awesome it makes up for all the Care Bear connivance.

32 Stories: The Complete Optic Nerve Mini-comic Series-- Adrian Tomine is one of the 1990's indy comics scene's progidies. In an era of Holofoil Covers, X-men #1 cover variants, and Death of Superman, he was able to carve a niche in the volatile market of crap and Rob Liefield shoulder pads. This collection is the pudding's proof that yes, he deserved the accolades. As much as I want to delve into the quality of the art (awesome) and stories (meh), mad props go to the format. Drawn and Quarterly REPRODUCED the ashcan format that the fledging creator used and collected them in a box set that opens like a bodouir but still fits neatly on the shelf.

That's it. Now I'm off to the bar to watch my friends get drunk while I scarf down some fish and chips.